


Tennisstuck

by dontrush



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Sports, Tennis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 04:10:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontrush/pseuds/dontrush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John invites Karkat to play Tennis with the guys.  Antics ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tennisstuck

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
EB: hey karkat!  
CG: WHAT THE NOOKWHIFFING FUCK IS IT THIS TIME, EGBERT?  
EB: jeez! i just wanted to see if you wanted to play some tennis today is all.  
CG: TENNIS? LET ME GUESS, IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR IDIOTIC HUMAN SPORTS ISN'T IT?  
EB: yep!  
EB: yep to the human sport part, not the idiotic part because tennis is awesome.  
CG: NOT INTERESTED.  
CG: ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER THE LAST FIASCO YOU ROPED ME INTO.  
EB: i already apologized for that!  
EB: besides, you should consider yourself lucky.  
EB: i'm pretty sure croquet injuries are super rare.  
CG: I COULDN'T EAT SOLID FOOD FOR A WEEK AFTER THAT DISASTER. I'D SAY IT WENT A LITTLE FURTHER THAN JUST AN INJURY, WOULDN'T YOU?  
EB: about that.  
EB: while you were recovering, i decided to see if anybody else wanted to play tennis.  
EB: i got a lot of response from our friends! so we've kinda gone ahead and gotten some practice in.  
EB: so when you get there don't be surprised if we're all pros already!  
CG: I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING SO I WILL NEVER "GET THERE" SO YOU CAN TAKE THAT SHOUT POLE AND SHOVE IT.  
CG: BUT HUMOR ME: WHICH OF "OUR" FRIENDS HAVE YOU GOTTEN TO PARTAKE IN THE INANE SPECTACLE THAT TENNIS SURELY IS?  
EB: um, let's see...  
EB: dave, tavros, eridan, sollux, equius, and that one stupid clown guy you're pail pals with or whatever.  
CG: SWEET JEGUS. YOU GOT GAMZEE TOO? HOW HAVE I NOT FOUND ABOUT THIS UNTIL NOW?  
CG: AND ITS "PALE," NOT "PAIL," YOU SICK FUCK.  
EB: if you say so!  
EB: anyway, tennis is probably right up your alley.  
EB: heh, with your temper you'd be a regular john mcenroe.  
CG: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT HUMAN JOHN MCENROE PLAYED TENNIS?  
EB: wait.  
EB: there's a TROLL john mcenroe????????  
CG: HE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST THRESHECUTIONERS IN ALTERNIAN HISTORY AND THEREFORE, MY CHILDHOOD IDOL. TO QUOTE HIS MOIRAIL, THE BEST FLAYSQUAD EVER IS TROLL JOHN MCENROE AND ANYBODY.  
CG: HE WAS HOTBLOODED BUT BRUTALLY EFFECTIVE, AND CONQUERED BOTH THE FIELDS AND HIS QUADRANTS WITH RUTHLESS TENACITY. THE STRIFES HE HAD WITH HIS KISMESIS TROLL BJORN BORG WERE LEGENDARY.  
CG: WHAT DID HUMAN JOHN MCENROE DO AGAIN?  
EB: oh.  
EB: he played tennis and threw tantrums and wore like,  
EB: THE shortest shorts.  
CG: WOW, HOW HILARIOUSLY REPRESENTATIVE OF THE GAP BETWEEN THE POTENTIALS OF OUR RESPECTIVE SPECIES.  
CG: ALSO, WAS THIS WHOLE THING JUST SOME MORONIC PLOY TO GET ME INTO SOME SHORT SHORTS FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE?  
EB: haha, nope.  
CG: FUCK YOU AND ALL FOUR OF YOUR LICENTIOUS EYES, EGBERT, YES IT WAS.  
EB: what are you talking about, it's not like i have a pair of short shorts in my house with your name on them.  
CG: YOU'RE LYING.  
EB: i am so totally not lying!

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are SO TOTALLY LYING. Because of an article in RESPECTABLE FATHER MONTHLY, your father has taken to labeling all of the clothes in your house. On your desk sits a pair of gym shorts you bought for Karkat a few weeks ago. The words "KARKAT VANTAS" are printed on the tag in tiny block letters.

After much prodding, you have managed to extort a "MAYBE, BUT DON'T COUNT ON IT, NOT THAT YOU CAN COUNT THAT HIGH ANYWAY, DIPSHIT" from your best troll pal. Since you know that translates to a definite yes in non-asshole-speak, you give him the directions before you gear up and head for the courts.

On your way there, you take another look at the shorts you're bringing him. You got them because you are pretty sure that Karkat in grey leggings in this weather is half the reason croquet was such a disaster. Okay, maybe only like a tenth of the reason, but you digress. You do wonder why the only gym shorts they had in his size were so short. You realize you might have been in the girl's section? Shopping is hard.

By the time you make it to the courts, everyone has arrived but Karkat. Dave is off stretching by himself, as is Sollux. Tavros appears to be warming up with Gamzee. Equius and Eridan look like they have been waiting for you to show up.

EQUIUS: D--> E%cuse me, John  
JOHN: yeah bro?  
EQUIUS: D--> I seem to have broken my racket  
JOHN: doing what?  
EQUIUS: D--> Picking it up  
JOHN: what kind of racket was it?  
EQUIUS: D--> Wooden  
EQUIUS: D--> Why do you ask  
JOHN: er, no reason.  
JOHN: have you tried alchemizing a more sturdy racket?  
EQUIUS: D--> Good idea.  
EQUIUS: D--> I will make a racket more befitting of my STRENGTH  
ERIDAN: hey john  
ERIDAN: you got a doubles partner yet  
JOHN: i just got here.  
ERIDAN: is that a no  
JOHN: have you asked anyone else?  
ERIDAN: ive asked evvery glubbin chump here  
ERIDAN: you have no idea how lonely it is  
ERIDAN: bein so great at tennis that evverybodys too afraid to be your doubles partner  
JOHN: look, just help equius with his racket for now, i need to warm up  
ERIDAN: fine 

The highbloods abscond. You set your stuff down and start stretching. Dave walks over to you, hands in pockets, his racket held with his elbows behind his back. He peeks in your bag.

JOHN: hey dave! as snoopy as ever i see.  
DAVE: sup  
DAVE: you wanna play a quick warmup or are you waiting for your boyfriend  
JOHN: we're not dating! we're total platonic bropals.  
DAVE: right cause platonic bropals are always buying each other booty shorts  
DAVE: that is definitely a thing  
JOHN: you bought me a pair for my birthday last year!  
DAVE: okay first of all that was an ironic joint gift from me and terezi  
DAVE: second of all those didn't have "JUICY" written across the ass in big red glittery letters though i admit im more than a little jealous for not thinking of that first  
JOHN: hey, it's not my fault forever 21 has such a limited selection.  
DAVE: haha wow  
DAVE: so we gonna play now or what

\-----

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you can't believe you've let yourself get sucked into John's bullshit AGAIN. You decided to wear an exercise-appropriate outfit so that when this outing inevitably turns to disaster it won't be an entirely unmitigated one. He and the Dave human are on opposite sides of a net taking turns whacking a furry green sportsphere while Sollux watches Dave intently, scribbling in a notebook. They must have been playing for a while because you heard one of them say the score was 40 to 30. John has been simultaneously playing and explaining the rules to you since you got here.

KARKAT: WAIT, SO THEY CALL IT THE SERVICE LINE EVEN THOUGH ITS NOT THE LINE YOU SERVE FROM?  
JOHN: yep!  
DAVE: speaking of serves  
DAVE: it was game point and i just aced mine  
DAVE: so its your turn  
JOHN: already? here you go.  
JOHN: hhut  
KARKAT: NICE GRUNT, ASSHOLE.  
JOHN: all the best pros grunt when they serve their power serves!  
DAVE: listen karkat if youve been taking notes i hope you brought enough pens for actually useful information like im about to dish out per fuckin gratis  
DAVE: cause im gonna drop some serious sun tzu level tactical shit on your ass free of charge  
DAVE: just listen to me and you too can storm the beaches of tennisnormandy and come out unscathed  
DAVE: urban youths with an inexplicable desire to watch street tennis will see you play and be all like  
DAVE: damn that nigga got tennis balls in his veins  
KARKAT: JUST SAY IT ALREADY, YOU TOOL.  
DAVE: when your opponent is all the way at the back of the court like john is now  
DAVE: all you gotta do  
DAVE: is  
DAVE: drop it

Dave stepped into position to return John's last shot and lightly stroked down on the back of the ball. The ball hopped over the net and landed at the very front of John's side of the court. Then instead of bouncing forward, it spun on the ground for a bit before rolling backward into the net.

DAVE: like its hot  
JOHN: show off :p  
JOHN: and your drop shot may be cool but "drop it like its hot" isn't nearly as clever a name for it as you think.  
DAVE: dont even get me started on the whirlwind of shitty movie references with which you choose to label each shot in your extensive library  
JOHN: shoosh. i'm all warmed up. you ready to play karkat?  
KARKAT: WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE, EGBERT? NEED I DIRECT WHAT SPARSE ATTENTION YOU HAVE TO THE STARK LACK OF RACKET IN MY HAND?  
JOHN: chill dude, i brought a spare racket.  
KARKAT: AND I'M GUESSING YOU ALSO BROUGHT A SPARE RACKETKIND SPECIBUS FOR MY STRIFE PORTFOLIO? REMEMBER THE STRIFE PORTFOLIO? IT STILL EXISTS. IT DIDN'T STOP EXISTING OR ANYTHING.  
JOHN: oh. guess i forgot then.  
SOLLUX: you can u2e miine kk.  
KARKAT: FFFFFFUCK, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STANDING BEHIND ME?  
KARKAT: ALSO, DON'T YOU NEED IT?  
SOLLUX: biitch plea2e.  
SOLLUX: a hiigh level p2iionic liike me can ju2t leviitate the racket.  
KARKAT: I DON'T SEE HOW THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE FAIR, BUT I'LL TAKE THE CARD.  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHY DID YOU HAVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOU DON'T NEED IT?  
SOLLUX: gz diidnt need hii2.  
SOLLUX: he2 u2iing hii2 jokerkiind.  
SOLLUX: anyway you down two play a match 2triider?  
DAVE: why not  
JOHN: let's head for the open court karkat!  
KARKAT: OH JOY. "LET'S."

You and John take your places on opposite sides of the court. He starts explaining his serve, only getting as far as telling you that he tosses the ball so that if he didn't hit it, it would land behind him, before you tell him to shut his trap before your IQ gets lowered any further.

John tosses the ball up to serve and...

TAVROS: uH, jOHN,

The ball lands on Tavros's head, unserved. Gamzee is close behind him.

TAVROS: oW, uH, nEVER MIND,  
JOHN: it's alright tavros, what were you going to say?  
TAVROS: iTS JUST THAT THERE'S THREE COURTS HERE,  
TAVROS: aND EQUIUS AND ERIDAN ARE AT ONE,  
TAVROS: aND DAVE, aND SOLLUX ARE AT THE OTHER,  
TAVROS: aND YOU AND KARKAT, hERE,  
TAVROS: tHERE'S NOT ANYWHERE, fOR ME, oR GAMZEE, sO WE WERE WONDERING IF, mAYBE,  
TAVROS: yOU WANTED TO PLAY DOUBLES  
JOHN: sure!

You cross over to John's side of the court.

KARKAT: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, JOHN, WE STILL HAVE A SCORE TO SETTLE.  
GAMZEE: cOmE On bRo dOuBlEs iS ToTeS FuCkIn bItChTiTs :o)  
KARKAT: WELL. A GLOWING REVIEW FROM A MIRACLE PREACHING SOPOR ADDLED CLOWN. I DO BELIEVE THAT'T ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT I NEEDED TO WIN ME OVER ENTIRELY.  
JOHN: it's settled then. doubles it is!  
KARKAT: THAT WAS SARCASM AND YOU KNOW IT EGBERT, THIS IS NOWHERE NEAR SETTLED.  
JOHN: you guys pick which side you want, we'll serve first.  
KARKAT: EGBERT, YOU BETTER STOP IGNORING ME RIGHT NOW, DAMNIT.  
TAVROS: yOU WANT THE SOUTH COURT, gAMZEE,  
GAMZEE: hElLs yEs! 

The pair goes to the opposite court and gets in position to receive.

KARKAT: I SWEAR JOHN, IF SETTLED WERE SKAIA, WE'D BE NOOK DEEP IN THE FURTHEST FUCKING RING, THAT'S HOW FAR FROM SETTLED THIS IS.  
JOHN: you hush and let me serve.  
KARKAT: IF WE'RE GOING TO BE "PARTNERS" THEN I THINK I'LL DO THE SERVING.  
JOHN: *siiign.* i've hardly taught you how yet but go ahead.

John walks up to the net and you take your rightful place at the baseline. You toss up the ball to serve and...

EQUIUS: D--> E%cuse me, lowb100d, but

It lands on Equius's face. A fuming Eridan is close at hand as well.

KARKAT: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SHITHEADS SNEAKING UP BEHIND ME TODAY?  
JOHN: did your racket break again equius?  
EQUIUS: D--> No, its new steel constru%ion is quite sturdy, but  
EQUIUS: D--> As I was e%ecuting a particularly STRONG serve, I  
ERIDAN: bleww a hole clean through my fuckin racket is what he did  
ERIDAN: an you keep poppin balls when you pick them up  
ERIDAN: havve a little respect for the cod dam equiupment is all  
ERIDAN: i mean equipment  
EQUIUS: D--> I am merely a bit overe%cited to have found an activity where sweating is the norm  
EQUIUS: D--> Rather than the e%ception  
ERIDAN: about that  
ERIDAN: i ought to thank you for the vvast puddles you left behind  
ERIDAN: makin a seadwweller feel at home  
EQUIUS: D--> Erm  
ERIDAN: wwait eq wwere you gettin off on the fact that you were duelin a seadwweller or somefin  
EQUIUS: D--> No comment  
KARKAT: HATE TO BREAK UP THE FUCKING TEA PARTY BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MATCH HERE.  
ERIDAN: oh so NOWW evverybody wwants to play glubbin doubles  
ERIDAN: typical fuckin landdwweller conspiracy  
JOHN: i've got an idea! what if equius...  
EQUIUS: D--> Yes  
JOHN: was the line judge for our match?  
EQUIUS: D--> You mean you want me to just stand there  
EQUIUS: D--> And watch  
JOHN: yeah! and what if eridan...  
ERIDAN: yeah  
JOHN: went...somewhere else.  
ERIDAN: ...  
ERIDAN: fuck you guys

Equius takes his seat as the chair umpire and Eridan goes somewhere else. You ready yourself to play for the third time.

KARKAT: AND *FINALLY* WE CAN GET BACK TO THE GAME.

You toss up the ball to serve and...

KARKAT: FHHHNNGAAH!

...drill it straight into the net.

EQUIUS: D--> Foalt  
KARKAT: FUCK.

\-----

Your name is TAVROS NITRAM and you are having the TIME OF YOUR LIFE. You won the first game against the Vantas-Egbert pair when Karkat double-faulted four times in a row while John stood there questioning why he couldn't put the serve in the box. You proceeded to LOSE YOUR SERVICE GAME because you are PRETTY BAD AT TENNIS YOURSELF, which is not widely ameliorated by the fact that you are actually using a BADMINTON RACKET. The set is at 1-1 and it is John's serve.

KARKAT: FINALLY I GET SOME NET ACTION.  
JOHN: you ready for this karkat?  
KARKAT: FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES YOU CAN JUST ASSUME I'M READY FROM NOW ON IF IT WILL SPARE ME THE PRECIOUS SECONDS OF HEARING YOU ASK ME.  
KARKAT: JUST DO IT.  
JOHN: if you say so, nike. haha.  
JOHN: i call this my trickster serve.  
KARKAT: CRIN FUCKING EDIBLE. NOW GO.

John's serve comes slower than you expected it and you are in position by the time it hits the box. When it does, the spin on the ball makes it change direction and bounce up towards your face.

TAVROS: uH, wOW,  
EQUIUS: D--> Fifteen love  
JOHN: here i go again!  
TAVROS: uH, bE ON YOUR GUARD, gAMZEE,  
TAVROS: tHE BALL BOUNCES FUNNY,  
GAMZEE: hOnK.  
JOHN: hnngn  
GAMZEE: wOaH.  
EQUIUS: D--> Thirty love

Karkat seems to be asking John for a TEAM CONFERENCE. No doubt to discuss SECRET TACTICS. Luckily for the purposes of this narrative, your HEARING NORMALFOLD can pick up their dialogue since Karkat has NO INDOOR VOICE.

KARKAT: OKAY JOHN, AS YOUR LEADER  
JOHN: "as your partner."  
KARKAT: AS YOUR COMMANDING FUCKING OFFICER, I DEMAND YOU STOP USING THAT SERVE.  
JOHN: why?  
KARKAT: IF YOU KEEP ACING YOUR SERVE THEN I HARDLY GET TO PLAY.  
JOHN: ugh. did equius use you as a towel? cause you're being a total wet blanket right now.  
KARKAT: JUST SHUT UP AND SERVE IT NORMALLY.

John serves. You are able to return this one. You prefer being at the back of the court to the front. You like to think of yourself as a sort of a conductor, controlling the flow of the match from a distance. The truth is being back here lets you get out of way so Gamzee can pull all his acrobatic shit at the net. If he put his mind to it, it wouldn't surprise you if he could take on both of these clowns on his own. Oh man, clowns, that's a good one. While you make a mental note to tell him that one later, the ball whizzes past you.

EQUIUS: D--> Forty love  
EQUIUS: D--> Game point  
JOHN: wow karkat, you're a natural!  
JOHN: huht!

Gamzee returns John's serve and the rally begins.

KARKAT: JUST FOR THAT, I'M PROMOTING YOU FROM "CALLS A SPADE A SPADE" TO "PROFESSOR OF TAUTOLOGY." YOU'VE LONG PASSED "CAPTAIN OBVIOUS" ON YOUR ECHELADDER.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE LIKE MOST THINGS IN LIFE, WIELDING A RACKET IS A PRIMITIVE, DEGENERATE FORM OF WIELDING A SICKLE. AND WHEN IT COMES TO WIELDING A SICKLE, I AM SIMPLY

With this, Karkat volleys the ball hard at Gamzee who returns it with a lob. Karkat jumps for the overhead smash.

KARKAT: THE BEST THERE IS.

Were you paying attention, you would have been witness to a truly terrifying dunk smash.  
Were you paying attention, it might have registered that the ball was traveling towards your face with a rather disquieting pace.  
Were you paying attention, you may have been able to dodge or otherwise block the missile bearing down on you.

Unfortunately, you were not paying attention.

JOHN: oh god karkat, you obliterated him!  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
TAVROS: oWWWWWWW,  
GAMZEE: TaVbRo!!! :oO  
KARKAT: FUCK. RIGHT ON THE NOSE. GODDAMN IT. PLEASE BE FUDGE SAUCE PLEASE BE FUDGE SAUCE  
JOHN: look what happened to the ball! haha, it looks like someone dipped cotton candy in the chocolate wonderfall.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU FOR KNOWING WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE, FUCK GOLDEN CORRAL FOR RELEASING THAT NOXIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FETID CHOCOLATE ON THE UNSUSPECTING MASSES, AND FUCK YOU A SECOND TIME FOR NOT REALIZING THAT THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR JOKES YOU IMPERTINENT ASSHOLE!  
JOHN: i'm not the one who gave him a botched amateur rhinoplasty!  
KARKAT: YOU WERE CERTAINLY TRYING WITH THAT STUPID SERVE OF YOURS!  
EQUIUS: D--> Game to Vantas-Egbert pair  
EQUIUS: D--> Change Court  
KARKAT: EQUIUS, YOU MYOPIC NINCOMSHIT, TAVROS IS OBVIOUSLY IN NO CONDITION TO KEEP PLAYING.  
TAVROS: yEAH, i THINK I'M DONE, hERE,  
GAMZEE: you go put some ice on that, bro.  
GAMZEE: I WILL STAY HERE AND RIGHT WHAT WAS MOTHERFUCKING WRONGED.  
KARKAT: GAMZEE?  
GAMZEE: because it's my serve.  
GAMZEE: AND WE'RE GONNA KEEP PLAYING MOTHERFUCKING DOUBLES.  
GAMZEE: your new opponents are me. :o)  
GAMZEE: AND ALSO MOTHERFUCKING ME. Do:  
KARKAT: JUST CALM DOWN, GAMZEE. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND TAVROS IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. SO JUST PUT DOWN THE RACKET AND  
GAMZEE: i am going to motherfuckin ace both you motherfuckers.  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
GAMZEE: I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING ACE BOTH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.  
GAMZEE: honk.  
EQUIUS: D--> Fifteen love  
GAMZEE: HONK.  
EQUIUS: D--> Thirty love  
GAMZEE: honk.  
EQUIUS: D--> Forty love  
GAMZEE: HOOOOOONK.  
EQUIUS: D--> Game, Makara-Nitram pair, Two games all  
EQUIUS: D--> Er, rather, Makara-Makara pair  
EQUIUS: D--> He has finally accepted his destiny  
EQUIUS: D--> Tavros, I command you to hand me a towel  
EQUIUS: D--> Er  
EQUIUS: D--> Preferably one not sullied with your b100d

\-----

Your name is Dave Strider and you are PRETTY BORED. You are in the middle of a match against a BIPOLAR PRICK whose species as you understand it is A DIFFERENT TYPE OF "BI" ALTOGETHER. You are at 5-5 and he and you have been stuck at deuce for a while now.

Your tennis style would be most accurately labeled RETRIEVER, as your flash-stepping skills let you return basically any ball. This means that any game between you and a guy who doesn't even have to run around would be a stalemate. Unfortunately, Sollux Captor is such a guy. Even more unfortunately, his little friend won't shut up.

ERIDAN: advvantage captor  
SOLLUX: we don't need you two be our liine judge okay?  
DAVE: what we do need is for you to serve already  
DAVE: so do that  
SOLLUX: hold your fuckiing hoofbea2st2 whiile ii tell thii2 guy two leave u2 alone.  
ERIDAN: you feel that  
ERIDAN: i can sea the caliginous fires burnin betwween you twwo  
SOLLUX: no, you iidiiot, that'd be completely fucked up.  
ERIDAN: exactly thats wwhats wwrong wwith those fires  
ERIDAN: theyre unhealthy  
ERIDAN: one might evven say theyre sick  
ERIDAN: thats what im here for  
SOLLUX: oh god.  
SOLLUX: you're tryiing two pull u2 iinto a au2pii2tiicii2m aren't you? ju2t 2o you can get me one 2tep clo2er to beiing your kii2me2ii2.  
ERIDAN: oh so you admit that theres somefin betwween you twwo for me to pull you from  
ERIDAN: and just wwhat might that be hmm i wwonder  
DAVE: speaking of wondering  
DAVE: im wondering when youre going to serve the fucking ball  
DAVE: id ask you to serve "on the double" but i know you get off on all that two shit  
SOLLUX: alriight eriidan, ii'm goiing two need you two giive me a 2ec to 2hut thii2 a22hole up.  
ERIDAN: yes yes sol open up your hate  
ERIDAN: and let it floww into me  
SOLLUX: hnrg

Well, isn't this just a surprise. The guy whose turn it was to serve actually served the ball. He hit with a little more force than before. You return it easily and the rally begins.

DAVE: wow i guess youre going on the offensive  
DAVE: its cool  
DAVE: your old playstyle was hells of annoying  
SOLLUX: that'2 cau2e iit was a dupliicate of your2.  
DAVE: bullshit you cant just up and gank my style  
DAVE: shits one of a kind like a snowflake made of dna landing on the fingerprint of a laughing child  
SOLLUX: that'2 not all. ii have a 2econd triick up my 2leeve.  
DAVE: i ought to let you know i'm pretty miserly with my fucks  
DAVE: im scrooge mcfuck himself  
DAVE: hes me  
DAVE: always sitting around counting my fucks never giving them away  
DAVE: doing a wicked fucking jackknife off the diving board into a huge pool of fucks and swimming around  
DAVE: so if you think im gonna give one about that then prepare to be disappointed  
SOLLUX: then allow me two demon2trate.

You must have pissed him off or something because he just hit the ball wide left. You drop your guard.

SOLLUX: mobiiu2

The ball begins to curve in the air, going around the net pole. It lands in your side of the court.

SOLLUX: double

It spins wildly on the ground as you try to reach it in time. It then hops up, flying backward over the net into Sollux's outstretched hand.

SOLLUX: reacharound

Sollux has one side of his mouth hiked up in a half grin. Light reflects off of his shades as he catches the ball.

SOLLUX:   
ERIDAN: game set and fuckin match sollux captor  
SOLLUX: that'2 not how thii2 game work2, diickpriince. You have two wiin by two. iit'2 only 2iix fiive now.  
DAVE: nah its cool  
DAVE: im not actually serious about this tennis shit so you can take your win  
DAVE: ive got to get going shitty comics arent exactly going to write themthelveth  
DAVE: shit i mean themselves

As you brush that off as an ironic mocking of his lisp, you pack your things. Heading out, you stop to fondly regard the miracle of John and Karkat lying on the ground exhausted.

DAVE: so how was your first time  
DAVE: was it as magical as you always dreamed  
KARKAT: WE HAD OUR ASSES HANDED TO US BY A SCHIZOPHRENIC CLOWN. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT WAS?  
DAVE: so thats one yes  
DAVE: how about it egbert wanna make it unanimous  
JOHN: well karkat isn't eating through a straw, so i'd say it was a success.

John stands up and offers a hand to his fallen comrade. Said comrade swats away the hand and stands up on his own. John and Karkat are gathering their things when you finally notice the dried brown stain on the court.

DAVE: jegus fuck karkat i know it was scary but did you legitimately shit yourself  
DAVE: maybe you should return that gift to the mall john  
DAVE: buy your beau some goddamn depends  
KARKAT: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD RETURN YOUR SHADES TO THE DOUCHEBAG DEPOT AND BUY YOURSELF SOME GODDAMN CORRECTIVE LENSES, BECAUSE THAT'S OBVIOUSLY A BLOODSTAIN FROM WHEN I SMOTE TAVROS NITRAM'S NOSE, SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO SUFFER A SIMILAR FATE I SUGGEST YOU KEEP YOUR SMUG EXCUSE FOR A FACE OUT OF HOLD ON WHAT FUCKING "GIFT"?

Karkat gets out of your face (about time) and glares at John. This ought to be good.

JOHN: oh.  
JOHN: well I had some shorts to give you...  
JOHN: but you showed up wearing your own!  
KARKAT: YOU TRULY THOUGHT I WOULD BE DUMB ENOUGH TO TRY TO REPEAT THE CROQUET SNAFU?  
KARKAT: HELL, THOSE PANTS WERE HALF THE REASON I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL.  
JOHN: more like a tenth of the reason really.  
KARKAT: DON'T REMIND ME. 

Karkat's eyes glaze over with what seems like shell-shock. In them you can almost see the reflection of that fateful incident in his eyes.

KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I'M WAITING EGBERT. LET'S SEE YOUR FUCKING GIFT.  
JOHN: if you say so...

John shoots you a furtive glance as he pulls the folded shorts from his bag. He hands the garment to Karkat, who holds the shorts up to his eye-level. He unfolds them, running his widening eyes over the clearly insufficient fabric. He slowly turns them around to view the back and is greeted with a blazing J U I C Y. You make a token effort to stifle the laughter rising in your throat as Karkat crumples the shorts in a fist and closes the distance between himself and John, chest heaving equally with rage and exhaustion. John's wide toothy grin has yet to subside.

KARKAT: OVER 1000 FRIENDS TO CHOOSE FROM AND I GET A MORON LIKE YOU.  
KARKAT: DID YOU THINK THIS WAS CUTE? DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M FUCKING "JUICY"? DON'T TRY TO LIE TO ME. YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU MET ME YOU CALUMNIOUS ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: pfffft  
KARKAT: AND DON'T THINK YOU'LL ESCAPE MY WRATH EITHER STRIDER, YOU CLEARLY LET THIS HAPPEN. I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU FUCKING HUMANS.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE THE PITS OF THE WORLD!  
KARKAT: VULTURES!  
KARKAT: TRASH!  
JOHN: dude.  
JOHN: that is SO mcenroe!!  
KARKAT: YOU  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
JOHN: yes! everything about you is totally mcenroe.  
KARKAT: DON'T GET ME WRONG, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET OFF THE HOOK THIS EASILY. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO COURT WITH THAT HOOK. FILL OUT THE NECESSARY PAPERWORK WITH THAT HOOK. BUT,  
KARKAT: IN CONFIDENCE,  
KARKAT: DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?  
JOHN: karkat vantas.

John drops his smile for the first time, opting instead for a look of utmost sincerity. He picks up his arms, reaches out, and places his hands on Karkat's shoulders. Karkat narrows his eyes in disbelief as John stares directly at him, pulling his face in close. Karkat's mouth hangs agape and you could swear his bottom lip is trembling when John finally confesses his true feelings:

JOHN: of course not. you're WAY too short for that! 

John's face instantly snaps back to normal as he steps back from Karkat and doubles over in laughter. Were one within reach, you would be grabbing a ruler right now because you need to measure just HOW HIGH John's prankster's gambit is. Meanwhile Karkat's confusion yields to fury. Red fills his face as he reaches boil. The resulting explosion echoed through all of paradox space:

KARKAT: YOU _CANNOT_ BE SERIOUS.


End file.
